Toddlers and Teenagers

Toddlers and teenagers may seem like they are on two ends of the parenting spectrum! Let’s explore this idea. As my, once toddler boy, started high school this week, I have been reflecting on how much he still really needs us as a teenager. This combined with what the science that tells us about child and adolescent development sparked this post.

Toddler-hood is defined as as the developmental period between about 1-3- years old. This period includes the young, mobile, and older toddler, and each toddler period is filled with its joys, wonders, experimentation, milestones, and learning curves. Toddlers are innately curious, vulnerable, and competent all at the same time. They are gaining new skills daily in all areas of development. They are learning rapidly and want to practice their skills, over and over, and over. Toddlers are walking scientists. They have the drive to go, do, see, and be; AND they need help doing it all. They have the desire to test out their new found autonomy and desperately need the adults in their lives to help them make sense of it all. Toddlers need their adults to help them co-regulate when they are experiencing BIG emotions. They need the adults to explain and model all the skills necessary to understand their worlds. Toddlers also tell us and show us that they don’t need us in moments of frustration and we stay close regardless because we know that when the “tantrum” or hard moment subsides they will seek us out. Toddler-hood is often described by various descriptive words from adults. I have heard it refereed to as the “terrible twos” at which I often respond, with, “well, I like to look at it as the terrific two’s”. From my vantage point the toddlers years were “terrific” and “terrible” all at the same time. A time filled with SO MUCH joy and SO MUCH uncertainty and challenge. However, in retrospect, when I reflect on how amazing it is that a child that was born only 12 months prior begins their journey though toddler-hood where they begin to gain abilities in all areas of development, I can not help but marvel at how amazing the time of toddler-hood truly is.

The teen years are defined as the developmental period between about 10-19-years old. This expansive period includes the pre-teen, the teenager, and the emerging adult. Like toddler-hood this period is filled with joys, wonders, experimentation, milestones, and learning curves. Teens are also innately curious, vulnerable, and increasing more competent as they rise from their childhood selves. Teens are going through monumental physical and emotional changes with puberty and the formation of identity. They have the capacity for heightened social awareness and experiences combined with cognitive abilities and capacities that fuel their emerging global awareness. With all of these changes, teens are also experimenting and testing out their new skills. Like toddlers, teens often get a “bad wrap”. This idea is most likely rooted in the fact that teens are experiencing so many internal changes, what G. Stanley Hall calls “storm and stress” while outwardly, their bodies are also going through a metamorphosis. Because of this, teens often show up in the world perceived by others as withdrawn, apathetic, or awkward. While in reality, they are just trying to figure out how to be in body that is so new and different and in a world with a heightened understanding of all of the social, political, and environmental complexities. Because of the developing competencies of a teen, they may show us and tell us that they don’t need us, however, what research tells us is that they do! They still need the adults in their lives to help them sort through their emotions and help them navigate and make sense of their new experiences.

Toddlers and teens are both testing boundaries, limits, skills, and their abilities. This is their charge. These two developmental periods in the lives of a human being requires practice. Both teens and toddlers have the desire to do “it” themselves, they think, feel, and trust that they know it all, crave independence, and are both innately egocentric (i.e, thinking only of oneself, without regard for the feelings or desires of others; self-centered). In addition to all of this, both toddlers and teens still need the adults in their lives to understand these developmental limitations and competencies, remain close, engaged, and interested in their explorations. They need the adults to help them feel safe and grounded as they explore, make mistakes, and take healthy risks. They need the adults to celebrate in their successes and provide limits in their moments of push back and search for boundaries.

I am reminded that as my strapping, curious, intelligent, master negotiator, beautiful teenage boy enters into high school this week that I can use some of the same strategies that I used when he was a toddler to meet this moment.

Here are some strategies to aid you on your journey with raising a toddler or a teen:

• Savor the moments…life is a collection of moments
• Slow down
• Stay close physically and emotionally
• Take interests in their interests
• Notice and celebrate their wins
• Provide limits
• Natural consequences help with learning what to do differently the next time or the time after that
• Stay consistent in your expectations
• Be patient with their/your learning curve
• Remember these are the times in their lives where they are experimenting, exploring and learning the skills to “do life”
• Show them and yourself grace..they/we are learning so much in such a short time period

Throughout my research and experience, I have leaned that parenting a toddler and a teen is not for the “faint of heart”. My wise mother told me when I was a parent to an infant and a toddler and I wondered how I’d ever be a parent to a teen, that I would grow with my children. She was right!! My husband and I have grown as parents with our children, now teens (shhhh don’t tell my 11-year -old that she’s a pre-teen), and we continue to learn along side them!

Cheers to the journey!